The shopping list (originally posted 17 February 2010 at 15:43)

INT: Dave’s parent’s house. It’s Dave’s day off and he’s having a coffee with MUM. DAD is in the kitchen next door

DAVE: So I can’t go to that thing at the synagogue in a couple of weeks because I’ll be in Wales. My friend Rhys is getting married and it’s his stag do that weekend.

MUM: Oh, that’ll be nice.

DAVE: Yup, and I was speaking to my friend Warren last night. He’s getting married in October and I’m going to try and get out to Chicago for the wedding, which is nice too!

MUM: Yes, very nice. It sounds like lots of people you know are getting married at the moment. Soon, everyone will be married and you’ll be the only person who………(DAD enters holding a small notepad)

DAD: Sorry to interrupt!

DAVE: That’s really quite alright Dad, believe me.

DAD: Geraldine, I was just about to pop out to Tesco and I’m making a list of what we need. So far, I’ve got whiskey and wine written down. Do we need anything else?

MUM: Well, we’ll need something for dinner tonight.

DAD: Rightio, well I’ll just put down ‘food’ for now and sort it out when I get there. Anything else?

Pause

MUM: Not really. Apart from marmalade.

DAD: OK, I’ll put down marmalade and then that’s it. Great.

DAVE: Dad, could you do me a favour and read that list back to me?

DAD: Sure. It’s Whiskey, Wine, Food, and Marmalade.

DAVE: Thanks Dad. Now mum, where were we?

Mum at Christmas (originally posted 5 January 2010 at 13:12)

Hi gang, thought I’d make it a double header for 2010. Mum was in top form over the holidays.

CHRISTMAS: ACT ONE:

INT: Dave’s parents house. Christmas Eve, approx 6pm. Mum and Dad are watching TV in the living room when an advert for Asda comes on promoting a special offer on Christmas Turkeys

DAD: That’s ridiculous! Why are Asda advertising christmas turkeys now? They’ll be closed in about an hour and they’re not going to be open on Christmas Day tomorrow either are they?

MUM: Morton! you’ve forgotten that we’re watching something we recorded on Sky Plus from three days ago!

DAD: Oh of course we are! My mistake.

MUM: Good! Now apologise to Asda.

CHRISTMAS: ACT TWO:

INT: Dave’s parents house. Christmas Day, approx 3pm. Mum, Dad and Dave are at the table having dinner

DAD: This is lovely Geraldine. What’s your favourite dinner David?

DAVE: Hmm…Difficult to pick a favourite, but I love Spaghetti Bolognese.

DAD: Oh yeah! I love Spaghetti too!…But your mother won’t make it anymore because she doesn’t like it.

DAVE: Really mum? Don’t you like Spaghetti Bolognese anymore?

MUM: Well, I don’t mind it. I only really like roast dinners and fish and chips. I just don’t like making spaghetti because I get fed up with all the long bits.

DAVE: Oh OK.Pause. Mum, when you say “long bits”, do you mean “Spaghetti”?

MUM: Yes.

DAVE: Fair enough, I can see how that might be a stumbling block.

Mum: On travel (originally posted 27 October 2009 at 15:43)

INT: Dave’s parents house. Lunchtime. Dave is having a quick cup of tea with his mum.

MUM: So I was speaking to auntie Sonia the other day, and she told me that her Daniel, you remember her Daniel?

DAVE: Yes, my cousin Daniel.

MUM: Yes, well Sonia’s Daniel has just got back from The Maldives and apparently he said it’s absolutely stunning.

DAVE: Oh yeah, I’ve heard that. Lots of those places in the Indian Ocean are meant to be fantastic: The Maldives, Mauritius….

MUM: Yes, Sri Lanka too.

DAVE: Yup, although it’s perhaps a little dangerous in Sri Lanka at the moment.

MUM: Oh yes, they have those Tamil Tigers over there.

DAVE: Yes they do.

Pause

MUM: And Mosquitoes

Pause

DAVE: Yes, but I think that they’re more of a minor inconvenience, in comparison.

Mum’s glimpse into the operational mismanagement of organisations (originally posted 26 July 2008 at 16:00)

OK, I know I haven’t done one of these for a while – so here’s something for all of you who enjoy keeping abreast of all the goings-on at Gilmore HQ

11:00am Friday morning. My Flat. I’m returning a phone call to my mum after she requested I call her back

DAVE: Hi Mum.

MUM: Oh hello David. Yes, I’ll tell you what it is. Do you remember I was telling you about how our Omelette maker had broken down?

DAVE: Erm….

MUM: Well anyway, I phoned the makers, Tchibo, a couple of weeks ago and they said as it was still under warranty they would send us a new one.

DAVE: Lovely…

MUM: But after a week or so it still hadn’t come so I phoned them back up and they said they weren’t able to track where the package had gone, and said the easiest thing for them to do would be to give me a full refund. So after I’d spoken to them I went on to amazon and bought a new one. I don’t really use amazon and I couldn’t remember what credit card I’ve used in the past when they asked me for the number, so I logged off and cancelled it but they emailed me to say the order went through anyway and it arrived a few days ago.

DAVE: OK, that’s a bit worrying but whatever I guess. So what’s the issue?

MUM: Well the thing is, A parcel from DHL came this morning and it’s the original omelette maker that Tchibo sent us in the first place. So now I have two omelette makers and will probably still receive the refund as Tchibo couldn’t track the order.

DAVE: Brilliant.

MUM: So you can have one of the omelette makers if you like.

DAVE: Thanks.

and that’s what happened when my mum took on the machine. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed the telephone conversation. Anyone for omelettes?

Fishballs (Originally posted 22 April 2008 at 16:49)

INT: The Gilmore household. Aproximately 6:30pm. Dave is returning home from a union visit, has just opened the front door and can hear his mum and dad in the kitchen.

MUM: (gleefully excited) Oh David’s home! David! Come in here and have some fishballs! Dad bought lots of fishballs and got them at half-price! Come and have some!

DAVE: (to himself) That was possibly the most Jewish thing anyone’s ever said to me in my life.

DAD: Try them with some chrayne!

DAVE: OK, I spoke to soon.

My favourite mum quote ever (Originally posted 28 November 2007 at 20:24)

INT: The Gilmore household. Post dinner. Earlier this evening.

MUM: David, do you know if there’s anything worth watching on the television tonight?

DAVE: I’ve no idea I’m afraid mum. I haven’t looked at the tv guide.

MUM: Not to worry. I’ll probably just watch ‘Going Abroad’ or ‘Buying a House’ or something.

DAVE: I don’t think that’s what those programmes are actually called, mum.

I found this to be an incredibly insightful (if unintentional) critique on the current state of midweek evening television. I hope you did too.

Two conversations from today (Originally posted 22 August 2007 at 13:00)

Scene One; INT: Dave’s bedroom. 7:50am. Dave is still in bed after a bit of a heavy night. Mr Gilmore enters with a cup of tea and a rich tea biscuit.

MR GILMORE: Good morning David. As you’ve probably noticed I’ve fixed a new door handle onto you bedroom door. However, to get in you have to push the handle up instead of down. Did you work this out OK when you got back last night?

DAVE: Yes Dad. If I hadn’t have worked it out then I’d still be on the other side of the door.

Scene Two: INT: The Gilmore household. 12:30pm Mrs Gilmore addresses Dave from down the stairs.

MRS GILMORE: David, we’re going out now. Feel free to make yourself something for lunch but don’t have anything italian because we’re making something Italian tonight. We don’t know what yet. It might be Lasagne but we’re not sure. It would be good if it was Lasagne because you like that.

DAVE: How can you “not be sure”? You can’t just put something in the oven and hope it comes out as Lasagne. You have to do it on purpose.

I think I might have to leave here soon.